When I took a peek at Facebook and Instagram today I felt overwhelmed-I had never even heard of National Siblings Day and I was not at all prepared for it or the intense emotions it would evoke in me. I just kept crying. All day. For some reason I kept looking again and again. All day long I kept going back and looking at everyone’s photos and, like gawkers at a train wreck, no matter how much it hurt I just couldn’t stop looking.
I have lived over a decade now without her and I still miss her just as deeply. She is my first and best friend. No one has ever known me as well as my sister and I doubt anyone else ever will. My heart aches with a loneliness that will never end. She took so much of me with her and without her I will never be the same. Without her most of my childhood is just frozen in gritty old snapshots and cracked Polaroids. We don’t realize how important it is to relive old stories and share inside jokes until you no longer have anyone with whom to share them. Hushed giggles when grandma says something ridiculous and private glances and eye rolls at something your parents do that only you could possibly understand…those seemingly insignificant trifles, it turns out, are delicious and decadent delicacies to be savored and revered. Who knew? I certainly didn’t.
All of those beautiful photos everyone posted all day, they hurt me because I am just so jealous. I am so very, very, very jealous. The “then and now” photos are especially difficult for me because they are just so absolutely fantastic and I wish I could express to you just how much so they are. They are full of love and light and life and joy!
To those who knew her, since I have already poured my soul out for whomever may stumble upon this, I am going to tell you something I have been afraid to say to you for so many years: please talk to me about her. If something or someone reminds you of her will you send a text or a message to me and tell me? If some silly memory of her pops into your head will you share it with me please? I have been dying inside waiting for someone to say something to me without it being solicited. I keep waiting for someone’s #TBT photo to have her in it. She didn’t die of something people are comfortable talking about-it doesn’t come with an awareness month or a ribbon or a 5K run but it isn’t her death I want you to remember anyway. I didn’t realize how much pride I had before I just swallowed it to ask that of you.
It looks like this holiday was created by someone left alone like me. I wonder how she envisioned this day being celebrated and I wonder how she spent it. Next year I think I will focus on my children and remind them just how lucky they are to have each other.
From My Heart,